The thing is…

Very difficult to explain your depression to people, especially people not intent on doing the emotional labor required to deal with us. After someone finds out they’ll tell me, “sounds like a cop out” or “you can’t blame everything on depression” which I’m not, far from it. Toxic behavior is toxic behavior. You do not owe it to me to be my friend. But I go to dark places, that will never change.  I’m telling you, because it would be irresponsible not to. It’s not a preemptive excuse or a get out of jail free card, it’s my reality. At my best I will encourage you, affirm you, love on you until you can’t stand it anymore. At my worst I will be extremely cold and distant. I will treat you as if you’ve already abandoned me. Because as far as my mind is concerned, you have. So when you do leave, it means nothing. That it is what is to live with this. To believe that you’re worth less than the shit at the bottom of your shoe, but again you don’t owe me. Some of you have been around a long time, you know this is fact. I wish it wasn’t but here we are. When I’m positive it is genuine. Because I know what it is to constantly perform, to deny your sadness when all you want to do is break down. I don’t abuse myself that way. Be positive and mean it. Be sad and mean it. Be anywhere in between and fucking mean it. That’s how I’ve chosen to live. I love people, but have a hard time believing they love me. That has been my struggle since I was 13 wondering why I was sad for no reason. If I don’t hear from someone in a certain amount of time I delete their number. My mind has already decided they don’t care. If someone is short with me one day, I’ll delete their number, my mind has already decided they don’t care. These are people that have been there for me, people that matter. But even they don’t understand that this is not simple sadness. Again most people will not undertake the emotional labor required to deal with us. And they don’t owe us that. They really don’t.  But I wish they would just fuck off from the beginning, truly. Maybe that’s harsh but it’s how I feel. I’m here. Trying to love and be loved like anyone else. It’s just a little harder for me than it is for the average person. While I can say it, I will tell you that I love you, and I appreciate you. Because I’m counting on you to remember that when the storm hits. That, is what depression is. I am draining at my absolute worst. But at my best I will be the kind of understanding you’ve never known. So, if you’ve stuck around, thank you. I appreciate you. And I hope that at my best I have added to your day in some small way.

Never forget

No matter what you’re going through, never forget to consider the thoughts and feelings of others. That does not mean sacrificing yourself and doing things when you don’t want to/can’t. It means that no matter how hard life gets there should always be space for kindness. My own pain and struggle does not change the fact that I love people and want to be there when I can. What many don’t realize about their situations is that simply talking about it can be a life saver for someone else. People are so used to performing happiness and being fine for one another that when someone is emotionally open and honest, it resonates with them. Though when we think of the word testimony, we think of people talking about how good god is in a church, it’s also just expressing yourself and what you’re going through. My experience has resonated a lot more than I expected it to because I thought depression often made folks uncomfortable. Especially when it came to the communities I’m always engaging with and grew up in. The truth is many of us are hit hardest by mental illness and we’re often ignored and chastised as though we’re making up our problem. You are not alone, I believe you, it’s not your fault. I hope you can find solace no matter how big or small in the fact that there are many out there sharing your struggle and rooting for you. I have received so much love/support/affirmation from others and really found my voice recently. It’s been a confidence boost and one of the few spots of joy in a pretty dark time. Thank you for loving on me and even when I’m at my worst I try to never forget the kindness you’ve shown. I appreciate you, thank you.

To my twitter peeps

I do not force or perform positivity for anyone. But that does not mean I am toxic or negative/demeaning to my friends either. Anyone who has been good enough to stick around knows they are loved and appreciated by me. Depression does not mean I’m a abusive or degrading my friends. Nor does it give me a liscense to. It’s because I love and care so deeply that I separate myself sometimes. If all that’s on my mind is darkness and everything that’s going wrong I don’t want to turn my friends into my personal emotional dumpster. You are more than that. You are people I laugh with, care for and cherish. I love you too much to subject you to me going on about how hopeless I feel. I will never perform for anyone, but I won’t take advantage of people’s kind nature either. Sometimes I need to disappear. It’s hard for me to do because I’m an extrovert who craves social situations of any kind. But I’m not in a good place and while I’m tired of talking about it, it’s the only thing on my mind right now. So any interaction with you that seems joyous/happy would be performative and exhausting. You are a beautiful community and I’m thankful for you and that’s why I want to get some things situated before I come back and see you again. I want to be able to share good news, feel genuine joy and join in on your fun without faking it. I know many of you have told me that my words about depression resonate with you. I will talk about and express that here. Let me remind you that you are not alone and my DMs are always open. I appreciate you all. You are worth it you are loved. I appreciate you, keep being great. Thank you for existing.

I’m convinced.,..

That people who use the phrase “you can love me or hate me” do not know what experiencing someone’s hatred really feels like. To constantly be trying to at least have peace and civility while someone won’t let you simply exist in any space without conflict. My mother’s wife has hated me for ten years because of the emotional abuse my mother put her son through. Whenever she sees my mother being remotely affectionate to me in anyway she becomes resentful and hateful. I’m receiving all of this animosity because she would rather hate me than confront her issues with my mother’s treatment of her son. I’ve never had to deal with someone who treated me like this on a daily basis. Someone hating you is not a good thing, it’s not something to be proud of. It’s draining and tiring. It makes you wonder what it is about you that made them feel this way. You can’t ignore it, you can’t have a good attitude about it. When you’re living with them you get a constant reminder that no matter what you try to do there will always be something to complain about. Something to criticize and tear down. She stalks my twitter, she hate listens to my podcast. Constantly complains to my mother about me. If I could leave I would. But I have no place to go. My brother and I are estranged because when I needed him he turned me away. None of my friends have room. The loneliness I’ve felt these past few months has been immense. I have no one, nothing. I’m empty and I don’t see things getting better. I’ve never had someone be this antagonistic towards me before. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I’m tired.

No one understands how serious things are for me, and I don’t know how much I have left. I’m tired. I have nothing to look forward to. I miss having someone to talk to, someone to confide in. I don’t have anyone I can open up to in my real life space. Twitter is the only thing keeping me afloat. But I didn’t want to turn the people in that space into my own personal emotional dumpster. I love them too much for that. So here I am, venting in this space. I’m dealing with depression, bad health and living with my mother’s wife who has a ten year old grudge against me because of the way my mother treated her son. (Makes no sense I know but here we are) I have friends, but they don’t understand me. They don’t see the loneliness I’m experiencing. I never get out, I never see anyone. I go days without speaking a word. I truly see no point anymore. I just want to love and be loved. I want to feel supported. I also do not mean romantic relationships when I talk about love. I’m talking about true friendship, true support and empathy from the people around me. I have never experienced that. The truth is I’ve been alone for much longer than I realized. My friends are focused on their short term goals. My family is consumed by their romantic relationships. There has been no space for me for a long time. I’m forgotten, as hard as I try, no one really checks for me. Everyday I feel like a burden. And if I had the courage I would end it. But I’ll just keep living and hating every second of it.

 

Dedicated to blerd twitter

i joined twitter in 2014 and went down a social justice rabbit hole that I learned a lot from, but I never felt comfortable enough to engage with. It wasn’t until early 2016 that I discovered nerds of prey podcast and blerd twitter, that I felt like I had found the people I could bond with/talk to. Through that podcast and the community around it I discovered my tribe. I’ve never met such a wonderful/giving group of people in my life. But more than that, we relate, we understand one another and there is genuine friendship and comradery. Through podcasts like nerds of prey and black girl nerds I met so many folks I’ve grown to appreciate. I’ve met many different communities since then, but blerd twitter was the first to welcome me and make me feel like I was a part of something. I appreciate you so much, and I’m so glad that we’ve crossed paths. Shout outs to the food fight crew, our 100 reply threads battling about food are my favorite. I would be here all day shouting people out  but y’all know I love you. There have been so many acts of kindness and genuine concern for my well being and it all stemmed from the fact that we enjoy some of the same things. I have given and supported this space but it could never be enough. You are a light and you’ve shown me so much. Thank you. Y’all are beautiful and you’ve helped me through some very hard times. I’m currently going through a divorce but even before that I felt isolated and distant from the people I was constantly around. I was aloof, and needed a place to go. I thought twitter would just be a fun place to pass the time, but it’s become what church used to be to me. I check on so many people, I worry about them, I support/give when I can and they’re no different than friends in my real life space. The realities of the world are not lost on us, but we can get together and just enjoy some things for awhile, it’s amazing the way that can bond people. I could gush about you all day but the point is, thank you. Thank you to the creators of these communities, because you’ve done more for and helped more people than you will ever know. To the communities themselves, I’m eternally grateful and I will do everything I can to make sure you keep prospering and growing. Also, shout out to Black women! That’s it and that’s all! 😂

You know….

Emotional intelligence is important. It should be talked about and cultivated in everyone. If we took the time to understand and appreciate one another on the interpersonal level we would learn so much about each other and ourselves. Most people will only dedicate themselves to romantic relationships. The way things are said has always mattered to me. “Let’s JUST be friends”…as though friendship is a demotion, a step down from what you would really want. I would never want a friend like that. I couldn’t imagine the stress of being a woman and wondering if a man actually saw your humanity or if he was just trying to fuck you. Friends is a code for someone you couldn’t get with Or the romantic relationship didn’t work out. Most people won’t really invest or dedicate themselves to you if it’s not a romantic relationship. That’s why so many of these relationships fail. There’s a dependency that can honestly get to be overwhelming on someone. People don’t have support systems or different perspectives. There’s no one to tell you right from wrong when you need it. Because you haven’t cultivated and nurtured anything outside of your romantic relationships. But friendships are intimate too. Friendships are love too. Take time to notice, understand and appreciate people around you the same way you do for your significant other. Intentionality is important in plutonic relationships, just as it is in romantic ones. If people matter to you, treat them that way. That’s what emotional intelligence is. Your partner is not the o it one deserving of a consideration, a thought. Remember that anyone who truly cares for you wants you to be well rounded and wants you happy whether it’s with or without them. Our romantic relationships are important there’s no denying that, but if you’re friends matter to you, treat them that way.

I hated my wedding

I saw a discussion about marriage on twitter the other day, it made me think of my wedding day. I spent that day so annoyed 😭. Weddings are funny, because they’re not for you. It feels like they’re for everybody else BUT you. People who aren’t an active part of your life can’t wait to be a part of your wedding. The best is when parents hit you with “you have to invite this person, they knew you since you were little.” It’s amazing how offended people get if they’re not invited to your wedding too. I saw so many people at my wedding for the first time it was almost irritating. I spent my wedding day iritatated at how much people who don’t make an effort to be in your life want to be a part of your milestones. I don’t know I’m just a bitter angry old man sometimes.

Let’s just be friends

Many see romantic love as the end all be all of a bond, I prefer friendship a lot of the time. Romantic love usually becomes performative and often leaves you drained with not much of a return. Many will stay in a relationship even if they’re unhappy and feel obligated to. People tend to be more honest and forthcoming when it comes to friendships. You meet people, you’re inseparable for a time and then you drift apart, it’s natural. Yet when we’re talking about romantic love we’re making long term plans and talking about the future because if you can’t see that with a person the relationship isn’t worth it. Friendship lets you just enjoy someone for however long and appreciate whatever experience you had. Romantic relationships seem to be defined by these markers of success and people don’t just live in the moment. There is always a pressure some will put on you, and it can be overwhelming. In my previous relationship my ex wife let me know very early on that marriage was the end goal and that she wouldn’t be in a relationship with me if that wasn’t on the table. I went along with it because I didn’t want to lose her. So began the spiral of performative acts and sacrificing who I was for a relationship and a marriage that never worked out. I don’t know, people have things they want and that’s fine but you should find someone who is ready to do that. Don’t compromise ANYTHING you really want for a person you like. All that’s going to do is lead to resentment and the regret of settling. When it comes to relationships of any kind all you have to do is ask yourself one thing. Are you energized or are you tired?

Me & Gaming

I’ve grown up with the hobby of video games my entire life and sometimes I feel like it’s leaving me behind. I own a PS4 and an Xbox one. I’d get a Nintendo switch if I could find one. Still, I feel like games are getting more expansive and there’s so much to do that I find it overwhelming and I never finish a game anymore. There are plenty of indie games to play that scratch this itch for me but sometimes I’d like to join in on everyone’s excitement for a triple A title. But more and more I find that the universally accepted checklist of things that excites people doesn’t excite me at all. I’m not impressed by large open worlds, just means I’ll have boring things I have to play through before I can do “Story” missions. I’m not into shooters. Every game is a shooter now,  and it’s the biggest reason I feel forgotten about when it comes to gaming. I guess part of it is just the frustration of my disability. I can’t really work the right stick to aim so shooters are impossible for me to play. So that’s a genre completely off limits to me. And yet it’s the only thing triple A developers seem interested in making right now. It’s one of the big reasons that even as I get older, I’m still rocking with Nintendo. Give me Mario, secrets to find and happy music to hum and I’m golden. It’s a simple formula that I personally never get tired of. Super Mario 3D world and rayman legends are some of my favorite games of recent memory. I wish triple A games like that were still made more consistently. Those were also the games I could still be proficient and damn near great at so it hurts not bad to see them being made anymore. I feel like I’ve grown up with gaming, but it’s done everything it can to grow apart from me. The more elaborate things get the more I miss the simplicity of my childhood. I think I’ll always love gaming but sometimes I feel like it doesn’t love me back.